Inexcusable
by Caitlynnn
Summary: No one would have expected him to commit suicide. No one thought it was THAT bad. But it was THAT bad... And it just didn't shake up his family, it shook up the whole school. An exploration of love, family, and suicide. Eli/Adam, Eli/Clare, Adam/Drew.
1. Chapter 1

"We regret to inform you-"

Stop right there. You know you don't want to hear the news. But you push yourself to grin through it all because you need to know, right?

Wrong. You don't want to hear this because you are in denial. And nothing is making sense...

[**Day Before]**

_Dear Friends and Family,_

_I'm sure you're all wondering why I am writing this…. Or the better would be, why I did this to myself? Call me selfish or whatever, but this was my decision to do this to myself. _

_Please don't blame yourself. _

_Please. _

_It would kill me…. No pun intended. _

_I thought about doing this for a while now, I honestly wish I could give you a straight answer, but I really can't. I don't want to, really, either. But you see, I do love all of you. I wouldn't have let you in if I hadn't. I just can't keep doing this…. Living like this. _

_I'm sure all of you knew I was struggling but only a few have reached out and actually helped me. You know who you are, and you know what you did. Especially one of you. I know you'll go crazy later when you find out what happened, please don't. Please don't feel bad. I swear, this IS for the better._

_I want to be remembered as the __**boy **__who smiled with out hesitation, and loved without regret. But I know I wont ever achieve that… So what if I wasn't the boy you all wanted me to be, or I guess the girl you ALL wished me to be. I'm sorry, Gracie left a long fucking time ago. Excuse my language. I get really angry talking about her… _

_I would have wrote separate letters for all you personally, but it would have too much time, I would have backed out of doing what I needed to do and I don't want to do that. That's another thing- I want to be remembered as someone who actually kept his word and MEANT everything… unlike some people…. Anyways, please…._

_Mom, I know you've tried your hardest to keep me safe from the outside world. Trust me, I know how cruel the world can be. I thank you so much for trying even when you failed. I'm no longer mad at you anymore. I was for a while; you didn't even know the reason why I was mad… come to think about it, I forgot why I was mad at you for. Oh well, I'm sure it'll seep at your brain…. Sorry for sounding harsh. I don't mean to be. But this is the first time I'm actually coming to terms with everything I'm feeling. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better person. I really, really tried. I hope that's enough._

_Dad, you weren't always there for me. But it's okay; I wouldn't always be there for me, either. I know, I put myself down a lot. But it's the truth. If I were a true boy I would have joined the football team for you and would have kicked Drew's ass for you. But sadly, Degrassi turned me down due to my "problem." (Seems like this problem of mine is a reoccurring theme.) But you know I would have done everything for you. I just really wanted to be the best for you. I spent many nights alone when I was younger thinking of when you would finally be proud of me… I'm sorry you could never be proud of me. _

_Drew, oh Drew oh Drew. There are a lot of things I could say, but I'm running out of time. I guess the first thing would be… thank you. For being there. For always being there. For always moving around whenever I messed up in one school. Remember Layla? The only serious girlfriend you had that you had to leave behind? I'm sorry, you guys were good together and then I messed up and drove you two apart. Now you're the number one douche at school. (Sorry bro, but you and I know it's true.) I hope you and Bianca last. Even though she was a bitch to me. I just really hope you are happy now. I will forever be out of your hair and life. And well… ass, too. I caused a lot of family drama, and yet, you were always there. Everyday at home I got to see a side of you most people didn't get to see. I've seen you cry over me and it means a lot…. Seriously. You are one of the people that were always there for me, so please don't think I'm doing this because of you…. _

_Eli, where to begin? We have gone through some crazy shit together, dude. And I cherish every moment of it. I really do. I'm going to miss you. It was like God (yeah I know you don't believe in him, but too bad I'm bringing him up.) sent you to me when I needed you the most…. And I really did need you. It was like you were always there. Always. You never failed me. Well, maybe a couple. But that's because girls were involved. Haha, I don't blame you. They were all pretty damn hot. But in the end they were just flings. And you never found a serious one…. You and I both know what happened that awful day. I hope I'm not replaying that day again. I probably am, but I'm taking full blame for it this time. I'm sorry, Eli, oh God, I really am…. I'm so lame… You are my best friend, one that no one can replace, no matter how many times you put yourself down… You are much stronger than you know, Eli. Please do not think any less. I know what you've gone through. You've trusted me with all of your secrets. I'm just really sorry I couldn't trust you with all of mine…_

_I love all of you guys. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better person, a stronger person. I'm sorry for all the times I let you all down, and all the times I disappointed you. That was never my intention. I just…. Wanted to be me. But I have come to realize that being ME came with a package deal of pain and tragedy. There are a lot of things I kept from all of you. I'm sorry that you had to find out that I was having more problems than you thought now. But depression is a beautiful thing. It makes you feel something. Even if it's painful. _

_I hope you all live to your full potential. Please try not to miss me too much. I wish you all a long and happy…. Life. _

_ Love,_

_ Adam Torres._

"Make sure you grab a coat before you leave," Adam's mother said, smiling a bit. Adam was taken aback by the smile. She never smiles. He shook his head knowing he wouldn't need it.

Tonight was the night everything would change.

Adam Torres would be nothing more than a gravestone, a patch of earth you walk upon, a piece of sky. A broken boy who no longer cries anymore.

**Review and tell me what you thought! Please? That would make my day. I don't know if I should continue or not, cause I think that this is pretty "ehhh" worthy. **

**It's gonna be a reflection story. A story about friendship and how depression can literally wreck you and change you as a person. I love the Adam and Eli friendship, but I also want to explore Drew and Adam. Its main character will be Adam, Eli, Drew, and Clare. It's not going to be totally Eclare centric, but I'm adding them in it, because, well, I like them. Haha. It's also going to be how Eli and Adam's family move on from what has happened to them. Should be interesting… Again, tell me what you thought. Ha.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow. Big turn out for this story. That's the most reviews I've gotten for first chapter. Okay so I know there was no Clare. Trust me, there's a reason why I didn't have her in the letter. **

**If any of you read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower this story is going to have the same format but story wise it's going to be a little different and of course there's going to be interactions. At first it may be confusing but hopefully it'll all be cleared up. You'll see. **

**If any of you wish to interact with me I have twitter and tumblr. It'd be cool. Twitter username: _Caitlynnn and Tumblr: commonemergency. **

**Reviews are cool. **

**I do not own Degrassi only my warped ideas. (It will be switching POV's.)**

**-Torres Residents. Audra.**

Audra sat in Adam's room, shuffling through some stuff that they were going to put in the basement for "safe keeping." She then decided that she would wash the sheets and then put new ones on.

As she grabbed the sheets a small package fell from within the covers. She picked it up and unwrapped it. She remembered this. Adam had requested for this journal a few months back. Audra really liked this journal, but Adam hated it. Apparently it was too "girly" for Adam. She had no idea he bought it though. She wanted to open it and read it. But she shook her head as she carried it with her to put in the garbage can. Whatever was in there was probably not important…. Right?

_**Later**_

"Mom," Drew said. "Mom," He taunted. "MOM!" He then yelled. She snapped out of it. "What is it Andrew?" She sighed, moving the hair out of her face, going back to dinner. "You've been staring at that trashcan forever. What's up?" He asked, moving around the vegetables on his plate.

"Don't do that. You're going to eat everything on the plate." She said rather sharply, going back to zoning in on the trashcan. Drew knew he probably wasn't going to get an answer. He huffed as he picked up the celery stick chewing it and cringing at the same time.

Once dinner was over Audra had done the dishes and made sure Drew had finished his homework. Her husband had gone to bed and everything was quiet downstairs. She made herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table. Drumming her fingers on the table she was trying to figure out what to do.

Her heart was telling her to pick it up and read the damn journal but half of her just didn't have the heart to do it. Honestly, she didn't think she could last long with this inner war with herself. Instead of going up to go to bed she walked over to the garbage and cleared off some of the stuff on it and opened it up….

_Dear Journal,_

_I bought you because I need something I can express my thoughts on. Thoughts I do not feel like talking about in real life. Are you willing to bear through it all with me? Well you are now. You have no choice. _

_Today, I went to the store with my mom and it was okay. I haven't really had alone time with my mom since forever. I can't remember the last time I was alone with my mom. But shouldn't it feel comfortable when you're with your mom? Like some odd peace? If so, yeah, we don't have that at all. _

_Sometimes, I think she hates me. I mean really hates me. I don't know what I do to make her seem like she hates me. I mean…. I could guess. By the way, I am a transgender. I don't normally talk the way I write. I figured I could just spill whatever and it wouldn't matter. _

_Welcome to my brain. Haha. _

_Anyways, mother dearest needed to get some paper for our dumbass copy machine. That thing eats stuff up like Drew. Okay, yeah that was lame but whatever. Back to the copy machine. We needed to get paper and my mom was commenting on these journals. Personally, I thought all of them were too girly, but I figured since she liked this one I would buy it. (You will see why I bought this in later entries.) _

_So here you are, on my desk or whatever. I just…. Really wanted this to be sentimental but I'm not good with that stuff. _

_Once we got the stuff we needed we got back into the car and she turned on the radio. There was a really good song by Eminem on and I really wanted to listen to it but my mom slapped my hand and told me his lyrics were provocative. Of course, I rolled my eyes and she yelled at me all the way home. I don't know…. I just really hate it when people yell at me. I really hate it when people touch my hands and slap them. It makes me think they'll beat me up or something…_

_Lately, I've been feeling pretty low about myself. Like I don't belong here or something. I'll have more on this later. _

_I plan to go day by day on this thing. Or if I forget to write, it just means I'm busy or all hell broke loose at home. (Probably the latter. Crazy shit goes down at my house.)_

_Love, _

_Adam. _

-**Eli**

Even though it was nighttime he couldn't fall asleep. He just stared at the ceiling. "What the hell," He muttered. What are you suppose to feel? What are you suppose to do when something like this happens? You aren't supposed to hurt or feel this way. Kids aren't supposed to die young.

The feeling of numbness was resurfacing again; he hated this hole in his heart. He made himself get up and go to his mom and dad's bedroom. Bullfrog had fallen asleep; he had a shift he needed to do in the morning. CeCe on the other hand was sitting up in bed reading a book in the dim lamplight. She had just turned the page when he walked in. She looked up and smiled.

Eli stood in the doorway. CeCe was reminded back to a time where he was little. When he was seven he had a nightmare and he was wearing an oversized Dead Hand t-shirt and was in boxers with his small ripped up teddy in hand. He was too old for the teddy but his mom gave it to him when he was a baby. It meant a lot.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

He breathed heavily. Any second now and he would scream. He could only hold in these feelings for so long. "Well, come here," She opened up her arms for him. Slowly, he made his way over to her and sat on the edge of their bed.

"What's on your mind?" She asked him. He tried everything in his power to block out the memory of Adam's suicide. Why had it gotten THAT bad? Why the fuck didn't he get help? If not from Eli, then Drew? Or his family?

"Why would he do that? Give me some reassurance please. I'm losing my mind." He looked down, his hands were shaking and within the shaking he felt a cold breeze float around him. God, he was losing his mind.

CeCe pulled a tight grin, trying to comfort him. "Well, some people don't know how to deal with problems…." He heard this already. This wasn't helping.

"I know. Save your breath. I'll just go back to bed." He got up quickly and slammed the door on his way out.

Once he got in his room he stepped on something sharp. "Damn this!" He yelled throwing everything he touched. Stacks of books had fallen on top of him, and one hit him square in the face.

"Oww," He complained, looking at the title. "What the hell is this?" He whispered, unwrapping it. He was pretty sure he didn't buy a new book recently.

He squinted his eyes. He knew this book. Adam and him saw it at the bookstore. Eli needed to buy a book for his English project and they somehow ended up in the journal sections. Eli admired its design, which was made up of skulls and black lace. Adam kind of liked it.

He didn't know how the hell it got in his room. Did he steal it? Eli shook his head. He doesn't remember doing anything illegal that day.

Eli, curiously, opened it up and was taken aback…

_Dear Journal,_

_I bought you, obviously. I kind of like your design. It's pretty cool. _

_I am writing this to let go of some steam or something. Eli and I stumbled across this in the Borders bookstore and he and I both thought you were pretty badass. But damn, you were a lot of money. I was almost tempted not to buy it but it's worth it. (More on this later. I promise.)_

_Anyways, Eli is my best friend. (Technically my only friend.) And he's cool. Kind of a beat around the bush. But I don't tell him that. Sometimes I don't feel like hanging out with him. Not because he's annoying or anything but he has a lot of baggage (more on this later) and I have my own baggage too. I guess you'll hear about this later, too. I rather get use to this writing thing. _

_But when I bought you I had this idea in my mind that- again, I'll mention this later… But when I bought you it had been an okay day. I mean Eli and I had gone to get ice cream which was good. It was well needed. We talked about the book and the project. We also talked about his English partner. Her name is Clare, I guess. I never met her, at least not yet. But I kind of thinks he likes her. He's definitely trying to impress her with these big words. He started to use them on me and I had to tell him I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He laughs and says I'll understand someday. _

_The hell? I hate it when people say that. I'm not a freaking five year old. I was kind of bummed after he said that. Like I was too stupid for him or something. Though I'll never tell him that. He won't ever know. I know it isn't healthy to do that, but after some personal experiences, it's an easier way to live. _

_I'll talk to you later…. Hopefully…._

_Love, _

_Adam._

**-Drew**

"I can't freaking sleep," He said aloud.

Drew sighed as he got up from his bed and went over to his window. "Adam, where the hell are you?" He cried out. He knew his brother was never coming back… He was dead. But…. He couldn't be? Kids don't die young. And if they do its usually because they had a medical problem, right?

But suicide… No one in Drew's family understood why Adam would commit suicide. It was so out of character for him. Drew of course knew about Adam's personal demons. My God, they were brothers. But he didn't know how bad of a hold they had on his baby brother. A life taken too early.

Drew went over to his desk and a package was sitting there. He looked at it quizzically then opened it up. He knew the cover. Drew and Adam had gone to the store to go get some food and they thought the last aisle was the chip aisle but they somehow ended up in the school stuff. They were going to get some magazines and Drew picked up the journal. It was just a green journal nothing really special about it. And Drew liked it for that reason. Though it was out of their budget, apparently Adam bought it. Though now Drew had no idea why it was in his room.

He opened it up and scanned the pages but then figured out it was written in.

_Dear Journal,_

_Drew being the stupid older brother knows it all dumbass he is practically lead me to you. Haha. _

_We were looking for the chips and he swore it was down the last aisle. You see, this is how I am clearly the smart one of the family. I knew it wasn't the last aisle but nooooo, he didn't believe me. So, we stumbled upon the magazines and books and school stuff. He admired your plainness. I think this is somehow connected with the girls he dates. _

_But he liked you and then I bought you. (More on this later) _

_After buying our stuff we went down to the park and he was checking out girls left and right and I grew disgusted by him and told him this is why he's a sleazebag. He rolled his eyes at me and told me, "I can date a nice girl if I want. I'm afraid that they'll be too perfect for me." So then I told him, "Bullshit."_

_And then we laughed and threw chips at each other. Though the girls he dates, and the notebooks he likes aren't that great (sorry its true.) His brotherly side of him is amazing. _

_I really do love my brother. I admire his strength… most people don't see this side of him. I'm glad I get to see it. It seems so rare when I see him smile at me and mean it… (More on this later, too.) _

_But after that when we went home mom had a fit because we were five minutes late. Drew is her favorite I think… I got in trouble and sent to my room without dinner. It was really lame. I burned myself because I feel like I mess up everything. _

_I know, this is a lot for a first entry post, but its been eating at me all day. _

_Anyways, I should go. Hell is breaking loose at home. _

_Love, _

_Adam. _

**So, what do you guys think so far? Bad, terrible? Comments? **

**Review! **


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm still getting this started, so bear with me. Here's the next chapter. **

**I hope you guys like it. I think it's blah, but I'll let you decide. **

**I will keep posting this: Twitter: _Caitlynnn Tumblr: commonemergency. **

**Reviews are cool.**

**I do not own Degrassi. **

-**Audra.**

She was going to take it day bye day. That's what she decided last night at the dinning room table. It felt right for her. He was already dead. And although she could have read all of the journal entries she decided not to. She already felt bad by reading it. To her it felt like an invasion of privacy. But he wasn't there to know about it.

Today was the funeral and she had dragged herself out that morning. It was of course raining. They have been having the worst weather this year. The irony, she thought.

Drew was already downstairs in his tux. He looked shaken, like he had just seen a ghost. He didn't even notice when Audra entered the room. "What do you want for breakfast?" She asked him, sighing a bit, going to the fridge.

No answer.

"Andrew?" She said. It wasn't stern. It was more of a beg. "Drew," She said softly. "Drew!" She yelled. He snapped out of it. "Yeah?" He asked, smacking his lips, then pursuing. "Breakfast?" She sighed. o

He got up and slowly went over to her and looked in the fridge. Drew didn't think he could stomach anything at the moment. "I'm not hungry." He said. She closed the fridge. Very glad she didn't need to make anything. Her energy was running low.

"Are you sure? I can make you some eggs…" Her words drifted and Drew shook his head. "I'm not hungry," He repeated.

**Later**

"It was a beautiful service," CeCe Goldsworthy commented to Audra on the way out of the sanctuary of the church. Eli was still sitting in the pew with Drew.

"Thank you," Audra nodded going into the fellowship hall. Everyone was going in there to eat. She didn't understand how they could eat. Though there were some funny times in the service, her laughter left her.

The smiles she gave were fake. She just wanted to stop pretending.

Audra was handed a microphone. For a while she stared down at it. "Uh, thank you for coming…. It means a lot to my…. Husband and Drew." She nodded giving it back to the person who originally had it. Her husband was nowhere to be found.

Instead of looking for him, she took her keys and went to her car.

_Dear Journal,_

_I was right. Hell was breaking loose at home. We had a big fight. Probably one of our biggest. _

_It was about grades. I know hold your laughter. But it's very important in my family. I'm failing math. It really sucks. I use to be really good at it, and then they mixed the alphabet and now its just damn confusing. _

_When I look at it I don't even know what I'm suppose to do. I feel stupid a lot of the time. I remember my math teacher in seventh grade called up on me. _

_I got up out of my seat and he said, "Adam, you look like you know this stuff, why don't you figure it out for us." And he gave me the creepiest smile. I cringed and totally forgot what I was supposed to do… That year wasn't good for me on many occasions. _

_I remember one time, during lunch period I went to the bathroom and a bunch of eighth graders were waiting for someone. (Or so it looked like) turns out they were just waiting for anyone. _

_I remember one guy picking me up and then carrying me over his shoulder and then dropped me on the cement floor. Another guy took my head and banged it against the door stall. And after that he stuck my head in the toilet and flushed it…_

_I cried for hours… I never told Drew what happened that day. But he asked why I had bruises. I really wanted to tell mom, but she was already pissed by the time I got home. _

_I mean how the heck are you supposed to broach the subject? "Oh yeah by the way, today I got a freaking swirly?"_

_My ego was on the line. _

_I knew Drew would TRY to kick their ass. But at the time Drew was a freaking shrimp. (Still kind of is.) But still… I didn't want them to think that I couldn't fight my own battles…_

_After they gave me a swirly they then gave me a big wedgie. I was freaked. They would find out that I didn't have the dude body parts. People were already suspicious. _

_Mom had to buy me new underwear that day. She wanted to know why my underwear kept getting so stretched out. Everyday in seventh grade I was given a wedgie and every other day I had been given a swirly. _

_I may not be the brightest but even I would sense trouble. _

_The least my mom could do is care for me for two shits. But nope. That's not how she works, is it? You would have to know her to know what I mean. A lot of my friends back then didn't like her. My mom was ice queen. She was a snot pretty much. _

_I don't say this to make fun of her or anything. But this is just how my life is. I'm still trying to understand why…. My father on the other hand was…. Busy elsewhere. (More on this later) _

_And I never saw him. I was his own damn kid, too. _

_Shouldn't I just get an ounce of love, too?_

_Always, _

_Adam._

**-Drew.**

Dinner was quiet. He hated this. His family was falling apart. He was falling apart.

In his pocket his phone rang. "I need to take this," He said, getting up. He thanked God for the interruption.

"Are you coming tonight or what?" Bianca asked him. They were supposed to meet at the ravine tonight. It was exactly what Drew needed, but as much as awkward it was at home, he didn't want to leave.

"Today was the funeral and all…" He mumbled.

Deep, deep down he knew Bianca cared about Adam and his family. Though she put up a front, she really did have a caring heart.

"Well…. I'm really sorry to hear about that. I guess I'll see you when I see you." _Click. _Drew sighed as he went up to his room. He'll probably go tonight. Later tonight when everyone was asleep. That's what he usually did, and he usually got away with it, too.

For now, he looked at the journal that mysteriously ended up on his desk. He read almost two entries but decided to take it day by day. Kind of like a devotional, but not really.

When he grabbed the journal he sat in his bed, and opened it up.

_Dear Journal,_

_Today I had to go to dance for PE. Pretty effing stupid if you ask me. But I got paired with Bianca so I guess it was okay. _

_At first she was a little hesitant, but I think it was my charm, or my good looks that won her over. Hahaha. But she is really fun to dance with. And I actually saw her smile. An actual smile! Can you believe it? I can't, that's for sure. _

_You'd have to know Bianca to get what I mean. She is probably the most hated person in the school, but then again everyone loves her. It's like in one of those movies, lets take… Mean Girls for example. (I watched this with Eli because he was apparently 'educating' himself.) Georgia, she was the popular girl, right? Or am I totally wrong… anyways, one of those plastics. And she was the most hated person, but everyone looked up to her anyway? (In my opinion, I think Bianca is waaaaay better and waaaaay hotter.) And maybe even a bit nicer…. Anyways, she's like that. But I really like her, cause unlike the plastics, she keeps it real. Even if keeping it real makes everyone hate her. _

_I believe there is something good in everyone… you just have to look for it. _

_Drew met me at the entrance and we walked home. Drew would have drove but an accident happened. (More on this later) and he can't drive now. It really sucked. It so happened to be really hot this day. I know, I shouldn't let the weather discourage me, but it did. _

_I thought about Bianca though. Her smile is nice, I mean really nice. Her teeth are really white and nice… her skin is perfection, and her curves are all in the right places…. Okay, I'm sorry. (Nothing wrong in appreciating a body, right? Haha.) _

_But I liked her. I don't know if I'm falling for her or not. I tend to fall too fast for people, and I don't mean too. I can't help it. If they make me feel good I like them. I like to feel good, and be important. _

_Drew started at my jacket and said I should take it off if I felt so hot. I told him no way. My small bump of a "curve" would show and I didn't want that to happen. _

_Being a transgender has a lot of baggage, in case you haven't noticed. _

_Drew bugged me about it more and once we got home I burned myself again. _

_Love, _

_Adam. _

**-Eli**

He was stuck in traffic. A line of cars that stopped dead in their tracks… Eli did not like this at all. There wasn't a whole lot of scenery and his mind always took him place. At this moment, his brain was Eli's worst enemy.

He wasn't dealing with this; he was just simply going in numb. Normally, he would be an emotional wreck but he cried himself out. Of course there would be the baggage, but it just got heavier and heavier.

Again, he asked, what are you suppose to do in these types of situations? The last time he dealt with death… Eli almost got away with suicide. But Adam saved him. Now Adam was no longer here to save him. Eli had to be his own hero, or villain. He didn't know which role he was yet.

Eli needed another option.

As he waited in traffic, from under the seat he pulled out the journal and began to read the second entry.

_Dear Journal,_

_Do you want to be my new best friend? Because my "best friend" is acting pretty shitty right now. _

_I love Eli and all, but he is one moody guy. I mean I get why. After…. But still that doesn't mean he should treat me like crap. I mean I pretty much am there for him when he needs me. But it's hard to try and tell him that, you know?_

_Sometimes he is a lot to handle and overwhelming, and a smartass, and dumbass, and a big mouth… I can keep going but this is starting to look bad, haha. _

_I don't know why he's such in a weird funk. I tried to talk to him about it, but he blows me off every time, and kind of just… shuts down. This bugs me. I'm the type of guy that likes to get things resolved and fix, if not, I'll go insane._

_I guess I'm already insane cause my family never resolves anything. _

_Back on Eli, he just isn't him sometimes. I really do love him. And I really want the best for him. He means so much to me, I hate seeing him like this, but I just don't understand. I don't know if that makes sense or not. _

_I offered him some Nutella. (That dude can eat a whole jar) But he said he wasn't hungry and I should, "stop trying to make me feel better about myself." _

_And then I yelled, "I'm sorry for freaking caring about your ass." _

_Then he got up and tried to hit me but then controlled himself. I got really angry then. I pushed him so he would hit me. He's kind of a scrawny dude. I thought I could fight him. Instead, he said, "Stop being like such a girl." _

_And that did it. I turned around and got my stuff and went home to burn myself some more. _

_Love,_

_Adam. _

**What do you think?**

**REVIEW. =)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the next chapter. **

**Enjoy. Don't forget to review…**

**I do not own Degrassi. **

**Audra.**

She gets up out of bed and makes her coffee like she normally does. Everything is back to normal. Just because you're son died does not mean you can't stop living. This is how Audra works.

The mug falls and it scatters everywhere. She sighs as she bends down and picks up the pieces. The broom is in the laundry room. She really doesn't want to get it. Its not because she's lazy, she just wants to secretly stop it all.

"Morning," Drew sighs as he enters the room. He looks at the mess and keeps on walking to the fridge. "Do you need the broom he asks her?"

Yes, you idiot.

Audra just looks at him, and says, "I got it covered,"

Of course you do.

Drew shakes his head as he gets a bowl and the cereal and mild out. Though he isn't hungry, he eats anyway. Audra is thankful she doesn't have to make him breakfast.

"I made your lunch last night," She tells him, getting up from the ground. He smiles a little, but she isn't looking. Making her way into the laundry room to get the broom she sees herself in the mirror and she questions, is she really here? Is she really alive right now?

"Thanks mom," Drew tells her and kisses her cheek. No recognition is given. She merely shrugs of the gesture. Her husband just came down, and he walks past the two, not looking at either. He grabs his sack lunch and exits.

"Bye dad!" Drew calls out. He didn't pay attention. Audra sighs again. What is going on?

No one is talking to each other. Not really, at least.

Drew walks over to the door and grabs the keys. "What are you doing?" She says, not meaning to sound harsh. "Backing out the car?" He says, questioning his motives. Audra thinks for a moment then nods.

Whatever.

Hopefully he doesn't kill himself while backing out.

Kill himself.

Oh God….

"Why are you doing this?" She asks herself, holding on to her side, afraid that everything will spew out. She's broken, but she doesn't admit it.

Now she picks herself mentally up from the ground and goes over to her fridge and takes her sack lunch and goes out to the garage. He's in one piece.

Thank God.

A recent memory fills her mind. Adam and Drew were on the garage floor fighting. She had no idea why until she grabbed their collars and asked what the heck was going on. Adam spilled everything in fear and said they were discussing who was getting front. Audra rolled her eyes and she came up with a schedule of who got front on what day.

Drew sits in the front seat now. It's rightfully his.

"Sorry, I had to get my stuff," Audra apologizes putting the car in drive. "It's fine mom," He mumbles, turning up the volume on the radio. Silence is definitely not golden.

When they do arrive at school, Drew pipes up the courage and asks, "Do you think I can hang out with some friends after school?"

She can tell he's scared asking. "Sure," She surprises him. "It's probably a good thing anyways," She tells him, smiling, and catching Drew off guard. "Will you need a ride anywhere?"

He shakes his head, "No, I'm good." He smiles, giving her a peck on the cheek and gets out of the car.

**Later**

"Are you going on your lunch break?" Audra's coworker asks. She looks at him and nods. "Yeah, be back in thirty," She grabs her coat and heads to her car.

She drives for a while until she reaches a dinner on the outskirts of Toronto. A waitress, named Barbra finds her a place to sit, and hands her a menu. Audra is here for the coffee and the atmosphere.

She sighs as she opens up the journal.

_Dear Journal, _

_My mom can be such a judgmental person. I don't even understand how someone can be so judgmental. I'm thinking maybe something horrible happened to her when she was little that made her so nasty and cruel. _

_Whenever Eli comes over she always snarls or something at him. Or when he leaves she always tells me that I need to pick better friends or some crazy crap like that. I don't get it. He's always respectful to her and he actually smiles at her. _

_She' like freaking ice. _

_I still love her though. I love her a lot, but I just wonder why she likes to make my life hell. It's not that she's just judgmental, but she can be oblivious. Not that she doesn't want to be oblivious, she chooses to be oblivious. Especially when it comes to my problems and me. _

_Whenever something comes up in school she nags me about me being too different. I know the reason. It's the same reason. I'm a transgender. I get treated badly because my own mother can't accept me. _

_I was once watching this thing on TV, this father and daughter went to a restaurant. The dad was really nice, and the daughter seemed like she was having such a good time, then someone walked up to the table and asked, "Is that really your daughter?" With a worried look on his face. The man nods, and says, "Yes, it is," And he smiles at her. _

_Do you want to know why the person looked worried? Because the man was black and the child was white. _

_After I watched it, I felt disgusted. People are messed up. I really related to that guy. I know what it feels like to be singled out. It's not fun. _

_I was angry and I left the room upset because shit like this happens all the time. Where is the person to defend those types of people? I mean, I have Eli to defend me, and thank God he does, but it would be nice to have more support. _

_I want to be different. But I want to be different in a good way. _

_So when my mom brings shit like that up it makes me want to punch something. Instead I roll my eyes and I keep moving on. Because I know deep down inside she doesn't really care about what I say or thing. _

_No one really does. _

_Love, _

_Adam. _

**-Drew**

Drew has been trying to stay awake these past two classes. He sees Eli and he walks up to him. He's talking to a girl with bright blue eyes, but he doesn't care if he's interrupting.

"Hey," Drew says. Eli looks up at him, and seems panicked. Eli gets up and nods, "Hey Drew," And he looks down. The atmosphere is tense. "How are you?" Eli asks.

Drew looks at the people switching classes, some going to lunch. "Fine, I guess,"

Why did Drew even confront him?

"Well, I better go," Drew says quickly and leaves the two.

"What the hell?" He asks. He sees Bianca at her locker, and he goes up to her. Bianca has a pissed off look, but he still stays. "You didn't call." She says. He nods, "Sorry, stuff happened at home…." He looks down.

Bianca sighs, and takes his head. "Where are we going?" He asks. "The ravine?" She says heading outside.

We know who wears the pants in this relationship.

**Later**

He's intoxicated, and doing things he probably shouldn't be doing. But he doesn't care. This is how he deals. He laughs, and he falls down.

This is where he completely loses it.

Now, he's crying.

Bianca runs to him and sits down next to him. No one else but Drew sees Bianca's soft side. Deep down its there. But she really cares for Drew, and though she is scared for her life, she hates seeing him like this.

"He's dead! He's fucking dead!" He yells at her. Bianca nods, and just sits there with him. "I know,"

After a while, Bianca gets him in her car and she drives. Not really anywhere specific she just drives. Drew reaches in his backpack and he opens up the book.

_Dear Journal,_

_I enjoy scars. Don't ask me why. I won't be able to give you a straight answer to why I like scars. Maybe because behind every scar there is a story. _

_I love that. I don't know where that line came from, but it sounded cool. _

_Today at school I got my period in the middle of class, and my partner totally smelt that, and she asked me if I was bleeding. So, I got up and I ran to the bathroom. I didn't bring my backpack with me because I was just bleeding pretty badly, and my partner was semi-freaking out. _

_This is the beauty in technology. A text message really can save a life. I texted Drew and he took a while but he came in the bathroom and he handed me a backpack. Not my backpack but his backpack. _

_I got mad at him and said, "You gave me the wrong backpack idiot." And he sighed as he went in the same stall as me and opened up the backpack and gave me a tampon. _

_This stuck out to me. He has tampons in his backpack. HIS FREAKING BACKPACK. He looked at me, kind of embarrassed and said, "Just incase you ever forgot to bring them or something."_

_This is why I love my brother. _

_That made me feel like for the first time, that I meant something to someone. _

_The rest of the day he was pretty cautious of me. _

_When we walked home from school I decided to broach the subject again. _

"_So you know about earlier?" I said looking down. He looked at me weirdly. "Yeah?" He told me. "Thanks," I smiled at him. He thought about it for a moment, then put his arm around me and said, "Don't worry about it." _

_For the first time I didn't. _

_Then we got home and mom and dad were fighting again. Drew snuck up into his room and I was in the middle of the war zone. I just wanted to get a freaking snack and be done with it, but I was pulled in. _

"_You're never here!" My mom yelled. My dad threw his arms in the air. I sat down in the chair eating some ketchup chips and chocolate pudding. "And Adam? He needs a male role model in his life because of his condition!" _

_So now it's a condition? She makes it sound like I'm sick or something. This is when I screamed and went upstairs. _

_Drew came into my room. My suitcase was ready and he looked at me with a stern face. "What are you doing?" He asked me. _

_I told him, "I'm running away." _

_And he took my suitcase and dumped everything out of it. "No you're not," He said. I was hurt. Why couldn't he just let me get what I want for once?_

_I punched him in the nose and let me tell you, it felt so good. _

"_What the hell Adam!" He screamed. I laughed at him and he shoved me. And then I shoved him back._

_Anger is the new normal right now. _

_Love, _

_Adam. _

**-Eli**

Eli invited his English partner to the park and they just sat there enjoying each other's company. None of them said a word. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was comforting. Something that Eli really needed was silence.

Clare holds his hand, but this doesn't mean anything, they are just friends after all. She doesn't exactly know about his situation, but she does know that he lost a friend.

"How are you holding up?" She asks him, squeezing his hand. He shrugs. He doesn't really know what to feel. His heart is heavy, there's always a lump stuck in his throat. It doesn't seem like it's going to leave anytime soon.

"Who was that guy earlier?" She says, trying to make small talk, but it clearly isn't working out because Eli is ignoring her.

"Huh?" He sighs. The color in his face is fading. "Oh, it was Drew,"

His dead best friend's brother.

"Oh," She smiles at him. This isn't working out. Instead of pressing this any further because she is going nowhere, she decides to get out her homework and work on it.

Eli sighs in relief as he takes out the journal.

_Dear Journal,_

_I love my best friend. He's really great. I do love him so much. _

_Today he decided to ditch me for his lady friend. I was pissed. Mostly because we were planning on a guys night. And he texted me saying he was busy with his English partner. God, I haven't even met her. Its like she's keeping her a secret or something. _

_In someway I understand why. I mean, his ex girlfriend died. I guess that's why… I feel bad now… _

_This always happens to me. I always feel bad and angry about something. I'm always angry at myself._

_Yesterday I was so mad at myself that I started to pull my hair out. My head hurt all day because of that, but I kind of liked it. It made me feel better about myself. _

_Today Eli ditched me like I said, so I pulled my hair out, and chunks came out. I kind of have a bald spot there. It's not too bad, but I wear a beanie now so no one can tell. _

_I hate having to hide all of these scars I gained but if someone found out, I don't know what would happen._

_I would probably let people down and I really don't want to do that. I seem to let people down a lot. _

_Maybe that's why Eli ditched me. _

_Love, _

_Adam. _

**Sorry for not updating. **

**Review please. (Last time I wrote a chapter I only got two. Ha) Writers love reviews. Ha.**


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